Tuesday, 30 November 2010

Graxx Hardshaft

Here's a blood-curdling rendering of the great Graxx Hardshaft, a much-feared bastard and infamous Barbarian-Porn actor from the early '70's. Thanks to avid Barb-Porn collector Seb Burnett for sending it in.

"Graxx held the hard shaft of his massive weapon in his strong hands... should he kill the sexy monster ladies now or after?"

Fire and Ice

Wednesday, 27 October 2010

Tinkers Piss

Quite deceptive this beer, in that it has the appearance of a light summer ale, and yet the strong taste and alcoholic content of a fartified wine.
Vinegary at first, the potent odour of yeast gives way to a warmer figgier aroma which lingers and then seems to collapse somewhat inevitably into dung.
For its robust stench alone I will give it 3/5.

'Innovations in Weaponry' - No. 17a


Tuesday, 26 October 2010

12 Inches of Pork!

You can't get MORE Old-Skool than these original 12" Pork-Vinyl records I found up in the attic this weekend. I'll be spinning them down at "The Chuntering Munter" this friday night. It's going to be CAAARNAGE, so make sure you're there. Remember Friday night is Goblins night....FREE entry to all Goblins b4 10pm. Boar Selectaaargggh!!!

Monday, 25 October 2010

Och Aarrggh the Noo!

New from the "Cranky Old" range comes these Cranky Ol' Hagpipes, made from REAL Trollskin. Nice!

Let me be your Fantasy

Check out this fantastic gallery of Fantasy artwork:

All of a Quiver!

Been feeling soooo grotty since the outbreak of my cankerous pox that I decided I needed a bit of retail therapy!
I managed to find this elegant Quiver of Fiddlesticks for a real bargain down at Primaarrgghk!


My apologies for not posting for such a long time.
I've had one of the most dreadful fortnights of my blood-spattered life.
Having been selected to represent my hamlet at the recent Commonwaarrgh Games, (I was odds on favourite to win the 100m Murder, and had an outside chance of a podium-place in the 50kg Spleen-Lob), I contracted a very aggressive bout of Cankers.
I have an inkling that it was the tub of Vaseline I borrowed from one of the disease-ridden goblin decathletes we were sharing the bus to the stadium with. Either that or a I must have eaten a dodgy Nonnystick. We will never know!
Anyways.... the Cankers are now beginning to dissipate sufficiently that I may catch up with my blaarrgghing.

Friday, 1 October 2010

Iron Wazzock

Here's a piece sent in to us by Zarrt Rape-Gravy of the Hidden Realms (AKA Rikke Asbjorn) depicting the popular bedtime tale of Gromp Gore-Gusher and his steed Iron Wazzock during their triumphant return from the battle of Raging Crud. Legend has it that they spent the whole eight week journey in awkward silence after Iron Wazzock's enthused galloping caused Gromp to become unnecessarily aroused.

You've been Maimed!

Here's a sneak-preview from the eagerly awaited new Hobbit movie... I think JRR Tonkypumps would have been very proud.

Wolf Sentinel

One of our fans has sent in this really rather striking picture of a Wolf Sentinel, guarding his (or her) coastal hamlet from the threat of attack.
What do you think he/she might be thinking as he stands there, alone, yet vigilant?

New Balls Please!!!

Slaarzenger Sports Axe!
This axe is perfectly weighted so you can Smash and Lob with ease.

Axes of Evil - No.1

Double-Handled Axe!

An immensely innovative design for the heavyweight Barbarian, this stylish model has been signed by Sir Jimmy of Page!

Manowar - Warriors Of The World

Thursday, 30 September 2010

A Question of Spurt!

Don't forget to watch tonights very special edition of A Question of Spurt,
in which Sue Baarghker is brutally pole-axed, LIVE!

The Wabberjockey!

Imagine this fearsome bastard whiffling through your Tulgey wood!

Unicorn T-shirts

My good friend Nimgimmer the Wizard has sent me word of a fine new range of emroidered tunics emblazoned with a rather glorious depiction of a mounted unicorn. I urge you to check them out HERE


Wednesday, 29 September 2010

Bouverie the Shrewnicorn!

This is Bouverie my trusty companion. He is lord of all Shrewnicorns and no man hath looked upon a mightier steed. Does he not shine like silver, and run as smoothly as a swift stream?
I have armed him with a Scampi-flavoured NikNak.

Tuesday, 28 September 2010

'Zor of the Broken Lands'

Budding artist, Gorath Wretch-Grip of the Halls of Joradd Iron-Knees, (AKA Chris Garbutt) has kindly sent us a lovely painting from a recent trip abroad. You can see the full-size image in our new Gallery section. Here’s a bit about the piece in Gorath’s own words…
‘Despite the horror of the moment, I was moved to record the final stand of Ffergart the Bald whilst we were accompanying him on his Bachelor Weekend in the Broken Lands of Krurchzarrgk. Brimming with ale and thirsty for battle, Ffergart confronted the legendary guardian of the Rocks of Zluumrm, Zor the Unvincible.
Zor rendered Ffergart paralyzed with his putrid fore-anal defence mechanism and then, while we watched, sucked the life fluid from Ffergart’s helpless form. A more painful death I have never seen, nor a more fitting end to a wonderful weekend with friends.

Hey! Check out my new Nutsack!

I caught my last one in the gears of a Trebuchet, and being of quite a lightweight material it was ripped asunder, sending my nuts flying.
This one's made of pigskin and as you can see it's stuffed to Brimmers!!!

Monday, 27 September 2010

Rune Magnets

Frug only knows what this spells but they're ideal for the fridge!

Icicle Clips!

I don't know about you but I'm always looking for a brand of Icicle Clip that doesn't slip or slide.... Well, I think I've found them, new from 'Yeti-quette Plc'. Exceptional grip and flexibility give a secure and hassle-free experience. 10/10.

Sunday, 26 September 2010

Feel the Power!

Here's a clip from one of my favourite movies ever: The Barbarians (1987).
You'll find no fancy computer-trickery in this film, just good old fashioned leather and ketchup!

Wednesday, 22 September 2010

What a Corker!!!

Here's another great product I picked up on my recent visit to Australiaargh. These days there's so much blood, shit and 'oomshka' on the battlefield, more often than not your fighting off an army of flies rather than your intended enemy. Well here's an extremely efficient and, i might add, quite eye-catching solution to the problem...

(Available by chainmail-order from the usual stockists)

Monday, 20 September 2010

Who Flung Dung!

Spread your muck over extreme distances with this new Crapapult.
It's causing a real stink on the battlefield!

Wonderful new Gilet-O-Fish!

A Viking friend has sent me this high-end sleeveless jacket embroidered with fruits from the sea! Windproof/Bloodproof and wonderfully aromatic in the sun. Comes fully gutted.

Ugly Fish

Of all the monstrous oddities that dwell in the ocean there can be none as malodorous and hideous as the legendary "Old Wanger", a giant bastard of a fish so deformed and feared that Sailors and Fishermen alike were fabled to lose their minds after just one sighting of the terrible beast.
In tribute to "Old Wanger" comes this new celebratory ale which has a distinct undertone of barnacles and lighter kelpy nasal notes to finish.
I'll give "Old Wanger" the respect he deserves with 4/5.

Lucky Hobbits-Foot Keyring

100 % real Hobbits-Foot, this novelty item makes an ideal gift. The hobbits-foot is a reknowned lucky charm, bringing its wearer good fortune and sure-footedness.